25 Things You Should Never Say to Someone With Dementia (And What to Say Instead)
Dementia is a complex condition that affects memory, communication, and thinking. When you’re speaking with someone who has dementia, your words matter—more than you may realize. Some phrases, even when well-meaning, can confuse, upset, or alienate the person you’re trying to support.
This guide outlines 25 things not to say to someone with dementia, explains why they can be harmful, and offers kinder, more effective alternatives to foster comfort, dignity, and connection.
1. “Don’t you remember?”
Why not: Memory loss is the core symptom of dementia. Asking this can feel like blame or a test.
Say instead: “That’s okay, I can help you remember.”
2. “I just told you that.”
Why not: This implies frustration or impatience.
Say instead: “Let me tell you again.”
3. “You asked me that already.”
Why not: Repetition is common and not intentional.
Say instead: “Let me tell you again—I’m happy to.”
4. “You’re wrong.”
Why not: It can lead to agitation or conflict.
Say instead: “That’s one way to see it. Tell me more.”
5. “You don’t live there anymore.”
Why not: Harsh reality can be disorienting or distressing.
Say instead: “Tell me about that place. It sounds important to you.”
6. “Calm down.”
Why not: Rarely helps; often makes people feel dismissed.
Say instead: “I’m here with you. Let’s take a deep breath together.”
7. “That person died years ago.”
Why not: Reintroducing grief can be cruel.
Say instead: “You seem to miss them. Want to talk about them?”
8. “You already ate.”
Why not: Arguing about basic needs can trigger anxiety.
Say instead: “Would you like a snack or something light?”
9. “I just explained that to you.”
Why not: Comes across as scolding.
Say instead: “Let me explain it again, no problem.”
10. “Try harder.”
Why not: Dementia isn’t about effort. This can induce guilt.
Say instead: “Let’s try this together.”
11. “Why can’t you remember?”
Why not: It’s accusatory and pointless.
Say instead: “Let’s look at a photo—it might help.”
12. “You’re not making any sense.”
Why not: It invalidates their thoughts.
Say instead: “Tell me more—I want to understand.”
13. “Do you know who I am?”
Why not: Can be embarrassing or anxiety-inducing.
Say instead: “Hi, it’s me—[your name]. I’ve missed you.”
14. “You’re being difficult.”
Why not: Labels them unfairly for symptoms they can’t control.
Say instead: “Let’s try something else that feels easier.”
15. “You used to be so smart.”
Why not: Implies they’ve lost value.
Say instead: “You’ve done so many amazing things. I admire you.”
16. “You’re imagining things.”
Why not: Dismisses their lived reality.
Say instead: “That sounds real to you—can you describe it?”
17. “That’s not how it happened.”
Why not: Correcting memories can lead to conflict.
Say instead: “That’s an interesting way to see it. I like hearing your stories.”
18. “You’re fine.”
Why not: Invalidates genuine confusion or fear.
Say instead: “I’m here to help. Let’s figure it out together.”
19. “Let me do it—you can’t.”
Why not: Undermines independence and dignity.
Say instead: “Let’s do it together.”
20. “No one else has trouble with this.”
Why not: Can trigger feelings of shame.
Say instead: “Take your time—there’s no rush.”
21. “Don’t be silly.”
Why not: Dismisses genuine feelings or beliefs.
Say instead: “Tell me more—I’m listening.”
22. “You’re just getting old.”
Why not: Trivializes a medical condition.
Say instead: “A lot has changed, hasn’t it? I’m here with you.”
23. “That’s nonsense.”
Why not: Insults their intelligence and creates distance.
Say instead: “Let’s explore that thought together.”
24. “You’re acting crazy.”
Why not: Deeply hurtful and stigmatizing.
Say instead: “I can see you’re feeling something big. I want to help.”
25. “You’re embarrassing me.”
Why not: Prioritizes your feelings over their condition.
Say instead: “Let’s step outside for some fresh air together.”
Final Thoughts
Speaking to someone with dementia requires patience, empathy, and emotional flexibility. Words can calm or agitate, connect or isolate. By using language that respects their dignity and eases confusion, you create a safer, more supportive space for communication.
Always lead with compassion—because behind the memory lapses and confusion is a person who still feels, loves, and deserves respect.
